Let me first off by saying that my boyfriend and I’s relationship is completely normal. We go on dates, we argue, I go to his house on weekends to hang with his family, and he has epilepsy. Perfectly and completely normal. Epilepsy does not define who my boyfriend is, but it does define what kind of girlfriend I should be. Not the hovering, overbearing kind either like a mother checking on her sick child.

I’m writing this blog to start the conversation that epileptics are not the only people that are affected by epilepsy. I am planning to spend the rest of my life with a man that has a neurological disorder, and I know that there are people who already are. This doesn’t change the quality of my relationship, but it does alter the way that I move and think. Here’s a list of everything my boyfriend’s epilepsy has taught me about myself and our relationship:

1. Put Your Oxygen Mask On Before You Put On Anyone Else’s

Hands down, my boyfriend is the most selfless guy I’ve ever dated. He’s never one to put himself first or hesitate to put someone else’s needs first. That’s not always a good thing.

Gary is a financial advisor and wealth manager at Northwestern Mutual Insurance who manages multiple clients, entertains potential clients, attends networking events all while commuting from Jersey to the city every day only to work 12 hours a day and sleep for 5. Are you stressed from just reading that? I was stressed just typing it all out. He does a lot not only to secure the bag for his own future, but he wants to provide for his sister and his mom, and always wants to be “the perfect man” for me (which I keep assuring him does not exist). The day before I left to travel for Italy, Gary had worked a long day at work, but still offered to go out to dinner with me later that night. Fast forward to when we parted ways, come to find out that he had a seizure on the PATH train headed back to Newark. He wasn’t drinking, he wasn’t smoking, he didn’t skip his pills. He was just exhausted. He was exhausted and he put that aside just to make me happy in that moment.

Bottom line, you can’t cater to everyone’s needs – let alone your own – if you’re lying unconscious in a hospital bed. You have to help yourself, you have to put your own oxygen mask on first because you can’t help the little kid next to you if you’re gasping for air. Sometimes you have to allow yourself to breathe first before you can help anyone else, or else you’ll all just wither away.

2. Appreciate What You Have Before Time Makes You Appreciate What You Had

On my cousin Kelley’s birthday, we had decided to go out to brunch with a big group of her friends, and my plans after that were to go to my boyfriend’s house and spend the remainder of the weekend with him. I called him up that morning expressing my excitement, all for him to shut me down and tell me not to come because he was sick. A few minutes later, I had felt it in my spirit that something wasn’t right so I had called his mother only to be told the news that he had a seizure earlier that night.

All throughout my time at the brunch with my cousin and her friends, I couldn’t attempt to speak aloud without that awful frog in the back of my throat welling up out of pure fear. The more mimosas I drank, the more emotional I became – bottomless brunch truly is the devil. I remember sitting there trying to swallow the salmon burger that I damn near spent $40 on, but couldn’t because I kept thinking to myself that I was being a complete bitch to my boyfriend who was genuinely not feeling well. I knew he was fine and luckily, he was at home when the seizure had occurred, but it was almost as if my mind was elsewhere but my body was out with my friends and family. It made me realize that small arguments and petty drama doesn’t matter when someone truly needs you.

The “big” things seemed small, and the smaller things were absolutely minut. My boyfriend’s health is what mattered to me, and what still does. No matter what we argue about or whomever catches an attitude, I will always call him to tell him that I love him and to make sure he takes his pills in a timely manner. Sorry, can’t help that I care and that won’t stop.

3. Stay Ready So You Don’t Have To Get Ready

I remember on our first date, my boyfriend who wasn’t my boyfriend at the time told me he was epileptic – and then later apologized because it was a “mood killer”. I begged his pardon and assured him that nothing could scare me away, especially a neurological disorder that’s out of his control. I asked him about his condition and if said situation were to arise, what should I do when a seizure occurs? He said, “turn me on my side and call 911”.

When I first witnessed my boyfriend having a seizure, it was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. No episode of Grey’s Anatomy, The Good Doctor, ER or any of those primetime medical shows could ever prepare you for something like this. My heart dropped, tears were flowing and all I could do was scream. It was like the pop quiz you knew would come one day, but you didn’t know what day it would come. I turned him on his side and immediately called 911, but realized once the ambulance came that I knew absolutely nothing about his condition – what kind of epilepsy he has, what does he take, how often does he have seizures, etc.. I felt completely useless.

Fast forward to the following day, I was balling my eyes out because I knew that I knew nothing. I mean, I knew enough to get him to the hospital, but not enough to answer any questions that any of the paramedics were asking? My boyfriend sat with me all day going over his triggers, his medical information and even offered to tell me the name of his neurologist. Now whenever Gary has a seizure, I can say with confidence that I can be as helpful of a girlfriend I could possibly be.